How It All Started... Part 3

Part 1 can be found here. Part 2 is here.

The thing about clinging on to G-d is that it only deepened my connection with Him. Clinging on to other people creates more distance, but clinging on to G-d strengthens the relationship.

After my boyfriend died I was, understandably, deep in grief. I've never felt anything more painful. There was nothing that would or could make the pain stop. Clinging to G-d didn't make it stop either, but He gave me a safe place to be while I felt and processed everything. When the emotions were too much for me to handle, I would close my eyes and picture G-d's outstretched hands and me inside of them, in His palms. I knew that being in G-d was safe. I would pray that He let me keep going, even if I truly felt I couldn't. I would pray that He would keep close and never, ever let me go.

Fast forward two years to 2022 and my grief had changed, as it does, but my relationship with G-d was still deepening. Then came Yom Kippur. I knew what day it was on as I have always tried to keep up with various Holy Days, but once it arrived I did a deep-dive into researching all things Yom Kippur, then all things Judaism. Upon first glance, a lot was sticking out to me. Mostly, I had realized that my relationship had always been with G-d directly; not through Jesus Christ. I had only ever once or twice prayed via Christ and it didn't feel very genuine to me. The things I have questioned in Christianity were answered in Judaism, usually with an "I don't know." or "There are a few different ideas on this.". The level of humility is unmatched. Judaism's answer is that we are human, not G-d, so how can we be so sure?

The more I learn, the more I realize how aligned I have been with Judaism all along. My mind had been open enough to find spirituality, but not open enough to find the best fit for me. I had gone along with what had felt easier for me to access in our society, but on Yom Kippur I was finally able to stop denying myself from what I have been drawn to since I was a child. I'm still not sure where this will take me, but I sure am enjoying the ride!